Monday, September 17, 2012



  1. A platform or compartment housed in a shaft for raising and lowering people or things to different floors or levels.
  2. A machine consisting of an endless belt with scoops attached, used typically for raising grain for storage.

That is the definition of an elevator in the dictionary but my definition is more along these lines.

1. Scary little lift that I will get stuck in and be there forever.

Ok, so lets be honest, I know that I will not be stuck in an elevator FOREVER! But when you are someone like me that has always had terrible anxiety, just 5 minutes in a situation like that can feel like the longest time ever. 

Anyways I got a call about a job interview today, somewhere downtown, so the first thing I did was looked it up online to see what floor it was on. I know odd right..but its always the first worry that comes to mind. If you have known me for awhile you know I use to totally hate getting on any elevator at all but now my fear has changed a bit and I am mainly just worried about being on it alone. I mean if I am going to get stuck on one (which DEAR GOD please never let that happen) then I sure as hell better be on there with someone rather than alone. But yeah, this particular job is on the 8th floor so I am immediately terrified to call back because what if the stairs are locked and I have to get on the elevator myself? Seems unlikely but even the 5% chance that it might happen is too much for me! And to be honest there have been several interviews that I have not gone to because it was on the 9th or 13th floor and their stairs were locked so I couldn't take them up!

I know people deal with all kinds phobias, I am definitely not the only one. Some are afraid of spiders, snakes, or heights (as I am also afraid of heights AND flying) The one thing I do know is that we can't really control our phobias. People say i just need to try harder but that doesn't really help if I am being honest. And I have read rituals or things to keep you occupied on elevators but it is still there and it still terrifies me. I pray to God that I won't get stuck and most of the time I know he will get me through but I am also terrified of the time he decides to test me and show me I can handle it. Because I don't think I want to find out if I can handle it or not lol.

I just hope that one day I will be back to that little 5 year old girl who loved to ride the elevator to different floors all day long without any care in the world. I have no idea why I ever became afraid of them but in the future I can only hope I can get past letting it hinder me in anyway. And to anyone else with a hindering phobia I hope you can do the same!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

If you talk to me at all or look at my statuses then you know finding a job is my current obsession. 24/7 I am pretty much either working on my resume, thinking about finding a job, applying for jobs or going to interviews. I feel like it is starting to take over my life and it is exhausting. But it has become this new challenge, to achieve this goal of getting just about anyone to hire me..because I never thought it would be this hard to find something.

I also never thought that looking for a job and failing over and over again could make someone feel so...well worthless. It has made me feel like I have no idea why I am unique or why someone should hire me over the other person, its also made me realize that I have no idea what kind of career I want. I want to be a teacher, wait no sports marketing representative, no I want to sell insurance..and the list goes on and on. Now don't take this as me being pessimistic or self deprecating because I know that I AM unique and I would be a great fit for some job out there, I just don't know which one. But with every rejection it becomes harder and harder not to feel as if its something you're doing wrong. I thought that once I had my degree things would come easily but man was I wrong. I am so proud of the degree I earned and how hard I worked for it..but do people even care anymore? I spent FIVE years fighting for that degree and because I spent so much time in school I didn't have a chance for an office job or a legit now even with my degree its not enough because apparently the bit of Sales, Customer Service, and Management experience I have just isn't legit enough. And so I search entry level jobs, and guess what 90% of them say you need to have at least 2 years experience -.- I know I will probably have to start at the bottom to gain more experience, I am not going to get a $40,000 job right out of the gate, but 8 dollars an hour? Is it wrong to feel that my degree alone makes me worth more than that? I make MORE than that working at Chick Fil A!

While I am GENUINELY happy for others who are finding jobs it is sometimes hard not to be like "When will someone see that if they just give ME a chance I will be so good at whatever job I get?" But then I think that its probably that kind of attitude that makes God keep testing me. He is testing my patience and my perseverance. As he did with school, it took a lot of stress and getting knocked down again and again before I was able to get to where I am now with that degree. I know that my time will come whether it be tomorrow at my interview, or next week, or even a month or two down the road. I am so blessed to have the 2 1/2 jobs I have now (I am told my babysitting job doesn't count as a job but i beg to differ) and God wants to remind me not to take that for advantage. I could be jobless and unable to pay the bills and be doing way worse than I am now. But its just that obsession to prove to these people (and myself) that whether I have a crazy amount of experience yet or not that I am worth it because I always work hard to be good at whatever it is I am doing. I also just need to remember that I have been looking for 4 months...some people look for over a year without finding anything and that is a stress I cannot imagine. So to any others who are out there looking and constantly being told no, or you have no idea what you want to do..just keep your head up and keep praying! It will come, I have to remind myself of that everyday and though sometimes I forget, I know God is holding out and waiting to send something amazing my way, he doesn't want any of us to just settle. And he will send me what I need when I REALLY NEED it.